DRUNKARD JOKES

1. Midnight. Swinging a drunk taking a fence, when it stopped by a cop.
-  Acts to control and please tell me where you're going! Drunk gaze and responds:

  -   I'm going to a lecture about alcohol-related harm and the risk of  becoming drunkards miss.

Fixed cop looks at him and asks:

-   At this hour? Who you a lecture about something at midnight?

-   My wife and most certainly and my mother in law.

2. In a restaurant a guy sits down at a table, call the waiter and order a bottle of wine and two glasses. Waiter brings order and see him as the guy pours wine into two glasses, drink from a glass, glasses collides each other, drink the second cup.

The scene is repeated several days in a row.

Curious waiter and asks him not stand this guy:

-   Sir, why drink two glasses ?

-   One cup is mine , the other is of my friend, sailor, who is a heavy drinker. Now it's at sea.

-    I drink for him.

One day come in the local and type in command and a single glass of wine. Waiter assumed that guy friend died and asked the guy:

-   Sir, something happened to your friend ?

-   My friend is OK, I happened. I quit drinking.

3.  - I can not understand why I was brought to the pol .. police ! exclaimed a drunk, full of indignation!

- To drink! responds, the officer in charge.

- Well, why not say so? Bring me the brandy!

4. They say two drunk men returning from the bar. After 20 meters one says:

"-Oh, I forgot to pee!"

On the other he says:

"Nothing man, I'll teach you!"

5.  A policeman who was making his rounds sees a drunken night which revolved around a pole. Approaches him and asks what he's doing, where he says he is looking the keys.

So start to look both keys.

After a while, trying in vain cop asks the man if he was sure that he lost there, and he responds,

-         Actually I lost to the other pole, but this is light.

6.  Evening coming from the pub, a drunk is banging his head against a pillar and said aloud:

- One.

A cop hears and follows him, seeing him hitting the second pillar, and saying:

- Two.

Wanting to help him goes before him and asks him if he could help him with something.

Swipe say:

- Sure you can, count how many bumps I headed !

Smiling cop says:

- You have two bumps.

At that drunk replies:

- Thanks, I have more three and get home!

7. Two drunk men meet on the street where one asks:

- No offense, there the sky is the sun or the moon?

- I know because I do not live in this neighborhood.

8. An old man walks into a pub, drinking a beer before bed.

And after a beer comes another and another and so on until he sees that it's late and he must go home. Try to get up when falls down. He barely crawling up outside, come crawling to the door, barely manages to open and finally nestles in bed next to his wife.

In the morning, his wife takes him questions:

- Son of a bitch! Again you're drunk as a pig last night!

The old man shy:

- But ... but ... how do you know?

- They called from the pub that you've forgotten the wheelchair!

9. A drunk spreading awful odor of cheap booze and who had a sack and an old newspaper climb on the bus and sits down next to a priest with a very honorable look . Then out of the bag a nearly empty bottle of booze in the drink to the last drop, then starts reading the newspaper. At one point he addresses to the priest :

- Excuse me , Father , do you know for what reasons do we reach spondylosis ?

- Of course , answers the priest, who felt a growing displeasure , in a tone of cold and sarcastic politeness . Factors leading to spondylosis are disordered life , the company of women of questionable quality , excessive consumption of tobacco and alcohol , drinking that ends with nights spent in the brothel , all leading to spondylosis ...

- Waaaw ! I would have never thought ... reply drunk and goes back to his newspaper .

Father , merciful by nature , after thinking about what was said , again addressing drunkard , this time softer , conciliatory tone :

- Excuse me , I meant to offend you , since you suffer from spondylosis , son?

- I ? No, Father ... I 've never suffered from it , I just read in the paper that the Pope has spondylosis .

10. In military mess was hanging a poster,” Drink kills slowly but surely ".

The next day, an unknown hand added, „Soldiers are not afraid of death."



                                                            foto credit: google.com

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